I learned of a new place that
exists. A place called “There”. “We’ll get there”…”You’ll get there”…wherever
‘THERE’ is….. what does ‘THERE’ look like? What will ‘THERE’ feel like? Sometimes I think, “Oh, I’m getting THERE”, only to realize I am so, soooo far from being THERE. Who has time to get
THERE anyway? And why is it such a great place to be, anyway? And why do we
want to arrive at it at all, ever? THERE must be this magical place of amnesia. A beautiful
blank slate. Does that sound like a place I want to get to? I realized this
morning, as I got ready for work, that the road to THERE means change, big
change, and it sucks big time. THERE means you have to go through all the steps
to dig out of holes, and climb mountains, and swim from beneath a valley of
tears. THERE knocks you to the ground when you don’t even realize it is about
to happen. THERE sounds like a place so far away from where I started. I was
strolling through my life, beginning the next 50 years of my existence, in the
life that was so known and expecting. THERE pulled the rug out from under my
feet. Just this morning, as I prepared for work, THERE left me standing with
tears streaming down my face, with a sucker punch to the face. That’s what
THERE does. Just when you think ok ok ok I’m making progress, it shows up and
makes you realize how much you are NOT getting THERE. I realize much about
getting THERE. I realize that THERE and I are NOT friends, not even acquaintances. No Map Quest in the world would direct me to it…any time soon. I
don’t know about this place called THERE, but I do know the path to getting
THERE, quite well, and what it looks like. I’ve memorized its dark alley s and
side streets like the lines on on my own palms. Getting there means that instead
of the “Honey, I’m leaving” hugs in the morning, you will stick your face into
the stiff and unwashed shirts hanging in the closet for a deep inhale, just to take
a piece of them with you when you start your day…and everyday you think (no,
you know) that the smell is getting lighter and less ‘him’ than before. Getting
THERE looks like a tap on the side of his photo as a virtual ‘hug’ before
leaving your home. Sometimes getting THERE means realizing the many things that
AREN’T THERE…and won’t ever be THERE again. I don’t know how quickly people are
supposed to get THERE. My mother has been gone 30 years and sometimes I don’t
think that my family is THERE yet. Or a flow of memories flash through the day
and then you realize well maybe you aren’t ever going to get THERE. But people
will tell you not to worry that you will get THERE. How do they know that? Have
they arrived safely THERE before? I
would ask them why it was such a coveted destination. Or maybe they don’t know
that getting THERE is a place that we really don’t want to get to because we
don’t know what THERE will look like, or feel like. However and truthfully, nobody said it was an easy road to
get to. Right now I don’t know if I want
to get THERE. So I continue to find ways to getting THERE, and many more ways to avoid
it, as I navigate through this place
that I never wanted to get to. For now, it just sounds like a place that I
wouldn’t like very much. I would like a refund on that ticket.
